Lannie lost the first two weeks of the season and hasn't lost since. Six straight wins ties the longest run the franchise has ever put together, and the Lanniesters are 6-2, tied with Tulsa atop the West and second in the league in points, behind only the Boom.
So naturally, somebody should go check on Wichita.
Since 2007, twenty-one teams have been 6-2 after eight weeks. Nineteen made the playoffs. Zero won the Court-Ordered Limousine. Three got as far as the Jared Bowl — the 2008 Odouls, the 2015 Monkeys and the 2024 Dinos — and all three drove home with the Surrendered Keys. Meanwhile 5-3, a record nobody has ever once bragged about, has produced thirteen champions out of 51. Of all the records a contender can hold in this league, 6-2 is the one that comes with a pre-printed obituary. Somewhere in Wichita, a sphincter just tightened.
Lannie knows this record intimately. The Lanniesters were 6-2 in 2011 and went out in the quarterfinals. They were 6-2 in 2022, after winning the first six that year too, then took the points title and the Guardians of the Gridiron…and lost in the semifinals. That is the franchise in a paragraph: nineteen seasons, three names before this one (Mr. Mclovin, the IPA Guzzlers, IPA Connoisseur), five group titles, eleven playoff trips, a 3-11 postseason record and zero Limousines. Lannie is 1-5 in semifinals. The lone Jared Bowl, in 2017, ended with a set of keys. Always the best man, never the groom, and the speech is getting a little bitter.
Could this be the year? Sure. Could it also be 2022 with better quarterbacks? Also sure.
Kirk Cousins threw for 247 yards and three touchdowns and ran in a fourth, 30.65 points — 1.2 more points than Josh Allen managed for Ian on the other side. Kirk Cousins outdueled Josh Allen. Put it on the tombstone. Drake Maye completed 16 of 20 for 199 yards and two scores and also ran one in, 28.45 points, so both of Lannie's quarterbacks moonlighted as goal-line backs. Michael Wilson, playing through a rib injury from the week before, caught 8 of 15 targets for 111 yards and a touchdown, 29.3 points. Jaylen Warren ran 17 times for 143 yards and a score, 24.3 points.
Lannie's defense scored 3 points. Harold Fannin Jr. scored 31.4 points on the bench while Dallas Goedert started and scored 10.2 points. Last week it was Bo Nix's 32.5 points. That's 63.9 points left on the pine across two wins, and last week this column promised nobody would ever bring it up. That was a lie.
Ian's 141.85 beat seven of the other eleven scores, and the Falcons are 3-5 with the third-most points in the league. Omar Cooper Jr. played 50 snaps and was not thrown to once — a wide receiver in roughly the way a mannequin is a shopper. Eight of the 40 teams to start 3-5 made the playoffs. Lannie leads the series 11-7 and has won the last two.
Week 10 is the War for Wichita, which Lannie leads 24-10. Nolan lost by 81.65 points this week and fell to 5-3, the record of champions — Nolan's own 2010 Limousine team among them. Lannie gets to bring 6-2, the record of nobody. The archive does not give a shit about anyone's feelings.
James put up the highest score of 2026 and the twelfth-highest in league history. Tee Higgins caught 10 of 11 for 155 yards and two touchdowns, 41 points; Ja'Marr Chase caught 11 for 141 yards and a score, 34.1 points. Last week this column declared return men the league's new market inefficiency. James started two. Chimere Dike caught five for 71 yards and a touchdown and added 168 return yards, 35.9 points; Seth McGowan ran five times for 29 yards and returned kicks for 103 more yards, 14.2 points. The 0-3 Jesus are 4-4.
Patrick Mahomes threw for 321 yards and three touchdowns, 30.65 points, and it bought Nolan nothing. Zay Flowers played 42 snaps, saw five targets and caught none of them. Zero points. Expensive cardio. James leads the series 9-7.
Pete is 7-1. Fourteen teams have been 7-1 after eight weeks; all fourteen made the playoffs, and two won it — one of them Pete's own 2018 team. Brock Bowers caught 7 of 10 for 92 yards and two touchdowns, 33.2 points.
Nate's 93 was the low score of the week, the fourth straight loss, and Nate started the same defense as last week: minus 1 point, after minus 4.5 points. Nate's defense is now in the red for October and November. DK Metcalf and Keon Coleman each caught one pass for four yards, 1.4 points apiece — the same shitty line twice, like a typo that played football. One of 28 teams ever to start 2-6 made the playoffs. The series is tied 5-5.
Tony Pollard ran for 117 yards and two touchdowns, 31.7 points, a week after 38.5 points. Jacob is 6-2 as well, for the fourth time. The previous three: a lost Jared Bowl in 2015, no playoffs at all in 2021, a quarterfinal exit in 2023. The curse does not play favorites.
Alex started Myles Price again. Two offensive snaps again, 72 kick-return yards, 7.2 points. That's four offensive snaps and 13 points across two weeks, and he still hasn't touched the ball on offense. The defending champions are 3-5.
Ryan went into Monday night up 139.35 to 137.5 with nobody left to play. Jason had D'Andre Swift, who ran 27 times for 69 yards and three touchdowns, 29.4 points, and Colston Loveland, who caught seven for 65 yards and 17 more points. That's how a two-point lead becomes a 44.55-point loss: slowly, then all at once, on a Monday.
Joe Burrow went 38 of 48 for 462 yards, five touchdowns and three interceptions, and ran in a sixth, 44.1 points — a quarterback playing both teams and winning for one of them. Jason's other quarterback, Baker Mayfield, played every snap, attempted three passes, completed none, and fumbled three times. As many fumbles as attempts. 1.4 points. Jason has won three straight and is 3-5, which is exactly where Hauloll sat in 2019. One of 40 teams has ever won the Limousine from 3-5, and it was that one.
Ryan's defense pitched a shutout with four takeaways, 20 points, and lost by 44.55. Jacoby Brissett went 10 of 23 for 119 yards and an interception before Gardner Minshew took over, 4.65 points. Ryan is 2-6. One team in league history has made the playoffs from there. Last week the Longshanks were on the brink of existential collapse. The brink is in the rearview. The series is tied 9-9.
Lamar Jackson injured his right thumb on his first snap and didn't return; he's headed for surgery and injured reserve, and may be done for the year. Adam lost by 6.45 with that slot at zero, and goes into the second half without him.
The other quarterback slot did not help. Michael Penix Jr. completed 8 of 24 for 125 yards and threw four interceptions, minus 0.65 points — the rare quarterback who would have scored more by staying in the locker room.
Puka Nacua caught 11 of 12 for 80 yards and a touchdown, 26.5 points. Dan's defense scored minus 0.5 and Chris Godwin Jr. scored nothing, and the Hornets won anyway — two straight, 4-4, with the fewest points in the league. Adam leads the series 13-6.