James lives in Lawrence, Kansas. His team is called Lawrence Football Jesus. So when Baker Mayfield dislocated his thumb and Tampa Bay handed its offense to an undrafted rookie out of KU, there was never much doubt where that rookie was going to end up. James spent 476 of his 1,000 waiver dollars on Jalon Daniels — nearly half the budget, on a man with zero career starts — and the league collectively decided not to say anything.
Baker Mayfield, for the record, belongs to Jason. Remember that.
Daniels' first NFL start: 19 of 27 for 148 yards, a touchdown, two interceptions, and 55 rushing yards on eight carries. That's 12.9 points, a fourth-quarter rally and a 17-14 loss to Green Bay. Nobody's retiring his jersey at Memorial Stadium just yet. Didn't matter. Jesus is finally in the win column, 151.35 to 120 in the Belligerent Bowl, and Mass Street has something to talk about between basketball games.
Cincinnati's receivers, meanwhile, spent Sunday auditioning for Grey's Anatomy. Ja'Marr Chase caught three for 27 yards and 6.2 points, got dragged down by the facemask in the second quarter and spent the rest of the afternoon in concussion protocol. Tee Higgins stayed upright just long enough to catch 11 for 157 yards and 30.7 points, then tweaked his adductor on the final drive — that's the groin, for anyone who skipped anatomy — and lasted exactly one more snap. Two Bengals, two trips to the medical tent, and James still won by 31.35 points.
Somebody had to do the work. Sam LaPorta caught eight for 84 yards and a touchdown (28.4 points), C.J. Stroud threw for 347 yards and two scores (26.6 points), and Rashid Shaheed touched the ball three times — two carries, one catch, one rushing touchdown, 22.3 points. Efficient. Like a guy who bills by the touch.
This used to be Adam's rivalry. He won the first three Belligerent Bowls and led 10-5 after 2015. Since then? James is 14-5, both playoff meetings included, and has led outright since 2019. It's 19-15.
Adam's week was somehow worse than the score. Lamar Jackson threw for 222 yards and two touchdowns in one half, 21.1 points, then got sacked on the last play before halftime and left the stadium in a walking boot. This, one week after De'Von Achane tore his ACL. Team Odouls aren't a fantasy team right now so much as a MASH unit with a logo.
As for 1-3: 57 teams sat there after four weeks before this season. Eleven made the playoffs. Three won the Court-Ordered Limousine, and two of those three are the last two champions — the 2025 Bensons and, yes, the 2024 Odouls. Adam knows better than anyone how far 1-3 can go. He just got beaten by it.
Last week this column noted the Boom were scoring less every Sunday and would be beatable by November. Pete apparently reads. 178.85 points, the high of the week. CeeDee Lamb caught 17 of 21 targets — seventeen — for 189 yards and a touchdown, 46.3 points, and Kenneth Walker ran for 177 yards and two scores, 32.9 points. The Velvet Rivalry is tied 16-16.
Pete is 4-0. Seventeen teams got there before him. Sixteen made the playoffs. Exactly one won the Limousine: the 2014 Monkeys, who had their own shot at 4-0 this week. They did not take it. See below.
Ryan got three touchdowns and 32.8 points out of Javonte Williams and lost by 58.8 points anyway. Three straight losses, 1-3, and that precedent lecture two sections up is his homework too. Season: on life support. Javonte: blameless.
The week's biggest beating, 65.95 points. Kyren Williams ran for 80 yards and two touchdowns and caught ten passes for 67 yards, 40.2 points — the kind of line that raises the question of whether the Rams own any other running backs. The Family Feud is tied 15-15. Survey says: Ian.
Two weeks running, Davante Adams rescued Alex in a late game. This week the Rams kicked off at noon, which apparently doesn't count: four catches, 32 yards, 8.2 points. Marcus Mariota sprained his MCL in the first quarter, his second MCL sprain since August, at which point it's less an injury than a hobby. DJ Moore went back to the medical tent with the same shoulder that sent him there earlier this season. The defending champions are 2-2, and their quarterback room is a waiting room.
Jason put up 158.35 points, more than seven of the other eleven teams, and lost. Joe Burrow threw for 428 yards, which would be the story anywhere else; here it was Nico Collins (32.3 points) and Bijan Robinson (145 rushing yards, two touchdowns, 31.7 points). Nate's defense, the Raiders, scored zero points. Zero. He won anyway, which is about as Dinos-or-Whoever as it gets.
Team Hauloll are 0-4. Seventeen teams opened 0-4 before this one. One made the playoffs — Team Odouls in 2015, because of course it was — and none won a damn thing. A year ago Jason was the champion of the Research Park: Beer Olympics Champs quad. Now his quarterback's thumb is pointing the wrong way and his quarterback's understudy is winning games in Lawrence. Hell of a hangover.
Tetairoa McMillan caught 14 of 16 targets for 192 yards and two touchdowns on Sunday night — 48.2 points, the best line of Week 4. Dalton Kincaid caught one pass for 7 yards, 2.2 points, and would prefer not to discuss it. The Monkeys were 3-0. Now they're 3-1, Nolan's 3-1 right alongside them, and the 2014 Monkeys get to keep their spot in the history books for another year.
The Hamstring Bowl. Rashee Rice grabbed the back of his leg six snaps in and scored nothing. Saquon Barkley grabbed his on his second carry and scored 2 points. One bad hamstring apiece, so it came down to who had Kirk Cousins…and Lannie had Kirk Cousins, throwing 52 times for 365 yards and 26.3 points against Kansas City, like a man who knew Mahomes was watching.
Dan's 99.7 was the week's only score under 100. Puka Nacua scored 30.2 of it. The other eight starters split the remaining 69.5 points like a dinner check nobody wanted.